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Shaving/Script
''Opening Sequence'' :Jake: Hey you're watching Ja—can you stop taking pictures of my jeans? :Amir: Whoa, pervert alert. Episode :Jake: Okay. First thing's first, take some shaving cream, put it in your hand. :Amir: Well, hey, check it out. Jake—and a mirror. :(Jake laughs a little) :Jake: That's good. Okay, so— :Amir: That was a freaking courtesy laugh! And I appreciate it. :(Amir makes to tickle Jake) :Jake: (Whispering) Alright. Easy, easy. ---- :Amir: Hey, you think this shaving cream stuff works on cats? :(Jake does not answer) :Amir: Yes or no, bitch? I'm talking to you. :Jake: I don't want you to shave a cat. :Amir: That's not what I asked you. ---- :Jake: Hey, one last thing. Would you at least consider shaving your nipples? :Amir: No. ---- (Amir only has shaving cream on his chin) :Jake: You don't just wanna shave your soul patch, right? :Amir: I don't know, haven't decided yet. You decided—to be a queen douche about it. :Jake: Hey, look, I'm being nice, okay? :Amir: I know. (Repeats over and over on top of what Jake says next) :Jake: I'm teaching you to shave right now. And you're 28 years old, so you should—I mean, your dad should've taught you— :Amir: I know, already! I said I know! Jesus, you don't have to be a queen douche about it. ---- (Amir is displaying his grotesque nipple hair) :Jake: Just cause the hair is so— :Amir: Brown, I know, right? :Jake: No, long is what I was gonna to say. :Amir: Yeah, that too. :Jake: That only. ---- :Amir: Hm. This is easy. Would it be harder or easier if I had legit cat fur on my face? :Jake: I really don't want you to shave a cat, okay? :Amir: Don't tell me what to do, okay? :Jake: It'd be harder with cat fur. :Amir: I'll just get a sharper razor then. ---- :(Amir is rippling his stomach) :Amir: Look at that. :Jake: Don't be proud of your body, okay? ---- :Amir: Do they make circular razors? :Jake: No. :Amir: One that would, like, easily mold to the contour of a feline anus? :Jake: I already said no, man, you don't have to specify. :Amir: I'm gonna shave a cat. :Jake: I know. ---- :Jake: Hey, I have a question. How do you get this nipple hair so soft? :(Jake yanks off Amir's nipple hair on "soft") :Amir:: (Screaming) Aa-aah! ---- :Jake: Okay, just like that. Slowly. Carefully. :Amir: Ooh. Nicked myself a little bit. ---- (Some blood is on Amir's towel) :Jake: Okay, slowly. Carefully. Watch me do it. :Amir: Oh, okay. Two for two! ---- (More blood on Amir's towel) :Jake: Okay, just do me a favor. Keep your razor away from your face. Watch how slow I move. Just like this— :Amir: I was going that slowly. :Jake: Just like this—you put pressure on that. ---- :(Jake has shaving cream on his face in the shape of a goatee, and a lot of blood has accumulated on Amir's towel and the mirror) :Jake: Okay, tell me this goat isn't chief, and I'll shave it off right now. :Amir: It's not chief. :Jake: Oh, wow, you don't know jack! Shaving it. ---- :Amir: You know, if you think this is funny— :Jake: I don't. :Amir: —imagine it being cat blood. Imagine wearing a bib with a towel... I fainted for a split.